Toy Review – Vesper by Crave

So, during the republican debate, Crave offered a sale that I moronically jumped on, and here I am as the new owner of the Vesper necklace vibrator.

To be clear, I’m calling myself a moron not over anything to do with the vibrator or Crave, but because I didn’t consider the currency exchange, international shipping, and duties when I jumped on this “sale”, so I actually still wound up paying an assload of money…but that’s totally on me and I digress. P.S: canada? please fix your dollar because holy shit…

The truth is that I probably never would have bought this without being blinded by the word “SALE” in my twitter feed because Crave doesn’t currently have any retailers in Canada, and without the sale it would have been another $50 USD and I just couldn’t justify spending that much money on a necklace (and a little bit of an ugly necklace if we’re talking strictly about jewelry here), because I was pretty sure it wouldn’t meet my standards for a vibrator. I can buy a vibrator I know I’ll like, locally so I don’t have to ship it, for the $150 total I wound up spending, so why risk it? Well, when I see the word “SALE”…all bets are off.

I’m totally on board with the idea of a sex toy I can wear around my neck and everything, who isn’t? But considering that my top two vibrators could easily be compared to small kitchen appliances, something smaller than a pen just didn’t really seem promising for my concrete clitoris. Especially when dozens and dozens of objects of the same size to considerably bigger even, just aren’t up to snuff. What could Crave have done differently that would satisfy me that droves of toy manufacturers before them missed?

With my cynical debbie-downer skeptic pants…not on because it wouldn’t make sense for me to put on pants to masturbate… I dove into my first Vesper experience.

Some things to note from the beginning:

It came fully charged, I accidentally turned it on while taking it out of the packaging before I even realized where the “On” button was, so that was exciting. I did appreciate not having to wait hours and hours to use it like some other toys.

 

I love its absolute simplicity, I don’t want to have to read a manual before I masturbate.

It’s made of metal, so we’re in the realm of easy to clean and fully sanitizable, very good. It starts out a little chilly, but it warms up quickly (and is supposed to)

The problem with warm metal, is that body fluids dry out on it easily. I didn’t expect to need lube for such a tiny external toy when usually I’m wet enough on my own, but a few minutes in I was frustrated with my labia drying out and reached for the lube.

WHICH HELPS. The beauty of metal is that once you get it slippery it’s…well it’s just really nice.

The Vesper comes with three steady vibration speeds and a final pulse setting. Sometimes I like pulse settings, sometimes I don’t. When I first wrote this review I said that the pulse was too weak to be useful, but after some further experimentation I did find that I was able to orgasm using the pulse. I think my initial problems with the Vesper were simply that I was not used to using a toy of this shape and size. Being so tiny, I find that unlike just about every other clitoral vibrator I use, I tend to move the Vesper in circles or a back-and-forth pattern instead of holding still. It took a bit longer for me than usual to discover the best way for me to use it, but when I got the hang of it I realized I like it quite a bit. It does feel a bit more “buzzy” than I usually like but it’s tolerable, certainly tolerable enough if it can make me orgasm.

 

The actual practicality of the Vesper is still in question for me though. Really, why am I wearing a vibrator around my neck, if I’m not going to use it? Here we come back to the fact that as far as plain old necklaces go, it’s kind of not that pretty, and while it may be sort of discreet to the person I pass on the sidewalk I’m not wearing this thing to thanksgiving dinner with my family – someone will ask me about the ugly thing around my neck and no they wont believe it’s a “pendant necklace”. So would you really sneak off into the bathroom on your lunch break to rub one out? Yes, yes I totally would, absolutely, fuck yes, but would I do it with the Vesper? Honestly I probably couldn’t. I probably couldn’t just hike up my skirt in a bathroom stall or in my car or under my desk or whatever and have a quickie with myself. I’d need lube, I’d need a comfortable position – probably one with my legs splayed wide, and I’d need like 20 minutes. Thats just who I am. If the reality is that I’m only able to use the Vesper in the comfort of my own home, why am I wearing it around my neck in public? I can’t actually answer that yet, but I’m gonna try it and see if it does anything. Maybe I’ll get knowing looks from other vibrator connoisseurs as I wait in line at starbucks and I’ll feel like a member of a secret sex toy fight club, maybe a super cute girl will tell me she likes my necklace and I’ll get to blurt out “THANKS IT’S A VIBRATOR!” and she’ll be really into me. WHO KNOWS. The possibilities are endless.

If you don’t need super high powered masturbatory gadgets and you CAN get off in five minutes while hunched over in a bathroom stall with your jeans around your knees, the Vesper is fairly quiet. Not so quiet that if someone were in the stall next to you they wouldn’t hear it, but quiet enough that people outside the bathroom door would have no idea. I can’t hear it under my bed comforter on the highest setting.

Vesper’s size is also a big plus, and I REALLY wish I found its power better for me because I’d really love it here. Shoving a vibrator between you and a partner during sex can often be anything from awkward as fuck to damn impossible, depending on the size of the toy and the position you’re trying to be in. The vespers small size makes it extremely unobtrusive but while I can use it solo, it’s not strong enough to get the job done when there’s a lot more going on that I’m paying attention to or when I’m moving around too much.

Finally, it’s USB chargeable, so y’know, plug it in at your desk or in your car or whatever. Charge your “necklace”, nobody will question that.

So, do I like it? Mmmmmmmeh. Yeah kinda. I don’t love it. I don’t HATE it. It’s okay. y’know, for a piece of jewelry. What more could I reasonably expect?

Should you have one? Maybe. A friend of mine bought one the same time as me and she’s pretty thrilled, so I’m gonna make a guess that unlike me, she doesn’t need a jackhammer to get her off. Do you often find yourself in need of a quick fix out in public? Then maybe you should try one. Do you like advertising your sex life around your neck? You should get one.

Crave Vesper TL;dr