Help! I’m Kinky? A mini-series of intros into The Lifestyle – Volume 1 : Now What? – Roles, Labels and Terminology

 In General Musings, Help! I'm Kinky?

Now that we’ve gotten over some of the initial freak-out of discovering this vast brand new world, let’s slap on some name tags and get down to business. 

One of the biggest questions that often affects new kinky converts is “What am I?” followed closely by “What do I like?” I can’t answer that for you, but I can give you a list of words for you to try out and see what fits. 

 

First and foremost, you don’t need labels. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. Labels are helpful in communicating to others about the kind of players we are and what type of interactions we’re looking for, but if they feel too constraining or like you just don’t fit with them, you don’t have to use them. Alternately, you can use a whole bunch of labels – you don’t need to pick just one. Maybe on Tuesdays you’re a whole different person than the rest of the week, maybe when you’re with Partner A you assume a different role than when you’re with Partner B, maybe a whole bunch of different scenarios – do what works for you. You don’t have to have a label right now or later or ever in order to start doing kink. Your labels can also evolve over time, as you discover new things or go through life changes that makes an old label not fit anymore – you are not forever-bound to any role or word once you choose it.

Also keep in mind that labels are just the starting point to understanding each other – everyone has their own personal interpretations of what each label means so try to avoid assumptions and one-true-wayisms (ALL ___ do xyz) about labels. Calling myself a submissive is like calling an orange a fruit – what kind of fruit is more personal. Someone saying they’re hungry and want to eat some fruit is a good starting point, but you have to ask some more questions to figure out the kind of fruit they want is specifically an orange (and then there’s even several kinds of oranges to choose from and they might have a preference for one more than another)

BDSM – not for everybody. 

BDSM is frequently used interchangeably with kink and fetish but they’re not entirely equal. BDSM incorporates Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Sadism, Submission, and Masochism. This is the stereotypical 50 Shades stuff that involves power exchange, rules, strict roles, and the tying up and hitting stuff. There’s a whole world of kinks that don’t include BDSM though – like feet, or mom-jeans, or puffy coats, or pie-in-the-face, or gas pedal pumping, or balloons…I could go on for miles. If your thing doesn’t involve calling anybody “Master” or getting slapped across the face or following orders on your knees, that’s okay! You’re still plenty kinky.  All of my personal kinks do fall under the BDSM umbrella so I don’t have a ton of experience in the All The Other Stuff arena, but I’ll leave this bit with a final note of these kinks are just as valid as any others. 

 

The BDSM Umbrella

There’s a lot going on under here. First lets talk about Power Exchange. Power exchange is where one person takes on a role that gives up power or authority to another. Power exchange can happen on any level of intensity the two people engaging in it desire – anywhere from “you only have authority to get me to do this one specific thing” or “you only have this power in the dungeon” or “only every other Thursday” to what we call Total Power Exchange (TPE for short) where a partner relinquishes their entire authority and decision making to the other. Power exchange is a dynamic that must be negotiated for (taking someone’s power without their consent is abuse.) Power exchange is not inherently built into any role or label because we all have our own interpretations of those, but there are some labels where power exchange is extremely common. Even in roles where a power exchange dynamic has been included, the people playing with it still need to negotiate the terms of that exchange.

Tops, Dominants, Masters and Mistresses, Owners, etc – These roles frequently are assumed by people who are exercising some measure of control over their partner. 

Bottoms, Submissives, Slaves, Property, etc – These roles frequently are assumed by people who have relinquished some amount of control to their partner.

There are a seemingly infinite number of other roles that can (but not always!) assume power exchange, such as Parents/Caregivers and their Littles, Pet Handlers and their Pets, Teacher and Student or Doctor and Patient, Cuckolds and Cuckqueens and I honestly don’t know if there’s a specific name for their respective partners…etc. There are Switches who can move from one end of the power spectrum to the other depending on their own personal circumstances. 

I’m not going to try to draw the distinction between a dom and a master or a sub and a slave or any of that here because – forever and always – we all have our own feelings about these things and the way I define them won’t be how everyone else does. Some people draw the line at how much power is involved, some require specific types of rules or rituals or aspects of someone’s life they have power over, some just like how one sounds better than the other. It’s all individual. The role or label you use might change depending on the partner you’re with (ex: you would normally identify as a master but they don’t like the term or feel like they click with the label, so with them you identify as a dominant instead) Your roles also don’t have to be what typically corresponds with your partner’s roles. You don’t have to call yourself a master just because they identify as a slave and that’s what usually goes with it – you can call yourself whatever you want. If you’re stuck trying to figure out what the difference between two similar roles are and which one you should use, I have to recommend that you just take some time to see how other people define these labels, how people who identify with these labels behave themselves, and then pick the pieces that best resonate with you personally. Again, you can try on a bunch of labels before settling down, there’s no rush.

Switches or Dual-Roles – Some people who identify as Switches move between the left and right of the power spectrum seamlessly with one partner – sometimes they take control and sometimes they give it depending on whatever they’ve negotiated with that partner, the mood they’re in, the actions they want to do, etc. For others who switch, it means that with Partner A they always take control but with Partner B they always give it up, and they wouldn’t reverse those roles with those partners. In this case one person can identify as two or more roles that seemingly conflict with one another (but don’t actually because of their unique partner situation) I identify most often as a submissive and in a relationship this is the role I would always take, but on occasion I like to top or dominate a casual play partner. I could list my roles as both submissive and top on my social media but I top so infrequently that it would likely cause more confusion (and I’d be fielding a lot more requests to top people that I’m not interested in) so I stick to only referring to myself as a sub, and in the rare moment that I find someone I would like to top, I just let them know. Identifying only as a submissive is easier in my situation than dual-identifying or using the switch label.

 

Actions do not equate to roles

There is no act in sex or kink that is inherently dominant or submissive. A dominant person can order their submissive to lay back and receive a blowjob because it’s what the dominant wants to be doing. A dominant can order their submissive to fuck them in the ass because that’s what the dominant wants. A submissive can tie up their dom and hang them from the ceiling because bondage is fun and there’s no reason someone who rests on the dominant side of the slash shouldn’t get to experience it if they want to. So on and so forth – you cannot assume someone’s role based on the actions unfolding in front of you. Anybody can do anything and it doesn’t diminish their role.

Topping and Bottoming may refer to a power exchange but it can also refer to actions that do not involve power exchange. I can bottom (be the receiver of an action) for a spanking without engaging in a power exchange with the person who is spanking me. I can top someone in a wax play scene without exercising any control over them. People can be Rope Tops and Cigar Service Bottoms and all kinds of things that denote how they relate to a specific action rather than an interest in gaining or giving up control to a person. Dominants can be action-oriented-bottoms and vice versa. 

 

Honourifics – do I have to use them?

In my opinion? No. Honourifics are the titles we refer to someone with – Sir, Master, Miss, Mistress, Captain, My Lord, etc. IN MY OPINION using these terms is an act of protocol which must be negotiated for, and as such, nobody is required to use someone’s chosen honorific in a casual setting. I have lots of friends who identify as masters, but none of them are MY master, so when I talk to them I call them by the name they’ve offered me. If one of them goes by the scene name MasterBob for example, when I greet them I’ll likely say “Hey Bob!” – not “Hello Master” or “Hi MasterBob” – because Bob and I are not in a negotiated consensual power exchange that involves the protocol of honorifics. When Bob asks me to please grab him a bottle of water when I’m on my way over to the snack table, I say “sure thing!” – not “yes Sir/yes Master.” – because our relationship to one another is just casual friends. This is a fairly large controversy in the scene where proponents of honourifics claim its about “respect” but I challenge them to show me where their peers who identify in the same role as they do use their honourifics as well. I’ve never seen one master ask another master for a favor and get a “yes Sir” or a “yes Mistress” or anything like that as a response, they just say “sure pal!” and nobody feels disrespected for it. It’s always an argument for those who identify as power-givers to default-relinquish some of that power by engaging in protocol behaviours with people they are not partnered to. My position is that you are not required to perform any non-negotiated acts of deference to people just because of the role they self-assign. You’re free to use honorifics with people if you both like the idea of it (please don’t just start saying “yes sir” or “yes goddess” to people all willy-nilly) but it’s something that should be discussed and consented to. It also requires you to find out what honorific they actually want. Not all dominant men want to be called sir or master or daddy or Mr. President. Not all women want to be called goddesses or babygirl. You may need to find some gender-neutral terms for trans folks and you shouldn’t assume gender based on looks or actions in the first place. If you assume someone’s gender and/or kink role and start dropping honourifics on them that misgender them and/or invalidate their role, that’s more disrespectful than not using an honorific with a stranger at all. My advice? Assume nothing and negotiate this part in. If someone thinks you’re disrespecting them by not engaging in protocol rules without your consent…well I’d tell them to go pound salt. 


Missed the previous posts?