Help! I’m Kinky? – A mini-series of intros into The Lifestyle – Volume 2 : Learning The Ropes – Elements Of The Scene

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Welcome back for another instalment of how on earth to find your way through discovering your kinks!

Text graphic reads Help! I'm Kinky?

To recap, we’ve talked about the basics of entering the kinky lifestyle, where you might fall on the great big spectrum of not-vanilla, and how to play safer. Last time we went over how to find and set your limits as they pertain to whatever your particular kink is, and we’ve talked about how important informed consent and risk management is.

The next step is understanding the various elements that are the building blocks of your scene. These include scene prep, negotiation, safewords, and aftercare. I’ll touch on all of these a little in this post, but I think safewords really deserve their own post, so stay tuned for that.

“Scene” is a versatile word in the kinky realm – we use it as a name for kink (being “in The Scene” – much like “The Lifestyle”), we use it to describe our scene (our local community or the group of people who also practice our chosen kinks) and we use it to describe a scene, which is a specific piece of playtime with our partner(s). For this post we’re focusing on the last one.

Negotiation 101

Building your scene begins with just asking! You’ve got to find a potential partner who is compatibly kinky and invite them to play. Assuming we’ve done that then the next step is to start negotiating the scene. This is when you start talking about what exactly it is you want to do to/with each other. A good scene negotiation should involve input from all players – this is a team sport! A lot of scenes won’t involve any power exchange, but even the ones that do still need to be a joint effort, bottoms/subs/littles/slaves/pets/etc all still have wants and needs and goals to take into account. If the person you’re in negotiation with doesn’t seek your input or says something like “whatever you want to do is fine!” that might be a sign that you want to back up and reassess.

Negotiations aren’t just about the specific physical actions you want to take, but also about how you want to feel, what you want to see and hear and experience. What does a successful end to this activity look like to you? What has to happen for you to walk away feeling fulfilled by the experience? What types of emotions do you want to play with? Do you want to feel scared, do you want to feel small, do you want to feel loved, do you want to feel like the centre of attention, do you want to feel worshipped, do you want to feel silly and light, do you want to feel powerful or powerless, so on and so on. This is also where you talk about how you want the other person to feel – what does success look like for you in terms of how they walk away from your play at the end? There are infinite ways to do an action, and they won’t inherently cause a person to feel a certain way all on their own – you have to figure out what the main intention of the play is and mold everything else around it to suit those goals. Setting a scene is literally telling a story – there’s a lot of detail needed to paint the full picture that revolves around the main plot points.

In your negotiations is where you bring up any relevant information and ask any questions you might have. These might include things like

  • Accurate and whole descriptions of the activity we want to do – make sure both of you understand what is being asked for, that no one is mistaking an intended “tickle scene” as code for sex, that if you mean rope “bondage” they don’t mistakenly put you in iron leg shackles or a paper finger trap, etc etc. Don’t assume anything is “common knowledge” – lay it all out there specifically and explicitly so there’s less chance of “I didn’t know that when you said ___ you meant ____”
  • Be honest and forthcoming about your experience with said activity – don’t let them think you’re a seasoned expert if that’s not true, be honest about any points of unknown or apprehensions you have about trying something
  • Go over known risks, ask questions about things you don’t know or understand
  • What kind of aftercare – if any – do you want or need for yourself, and what are you willing to provide for them?
  • Limits (which we already talked about) as they pertain to this activity, and safe words (in the next post)
  • Any other relevant info you can come up with that falls under or outside of what we discussed with risk management and limit setting. Broke your foot last week and cant stand on it too long? Tell them now! Possible trauma trigger that might come up in the context of this scene? Talk about it!

The Table of Yes

I personally think the best and safest way to decide what happens in a scene, is to start with an empty table, and only put a few things on it. So many people try to start with a table full of possibilities and they have to sift through them all to find the things they want to take off or exclude from their play. This is overwhelming, and also leads too easily into “You never said I couldn’t ___ so I thought it was okay.” It’s nearly impossible to come up with a complete list of every single thing under the sun we do not want to do during a scene, so following a model of default-inclusion-until-explicit-exclusion leaves the door wide open for exploitative “You never said not to, how was I supposed to know?”

A better approach is an empty table that we only put things on to, and anything that is not on the table is agreed to be off-limits (you do have to explain to your partner(s) that this is the model you’re operating from and they have to acknowledge they understand the rules of the table, otherwise we’re still wading around in “I didn’t know because you didn’t say” waters.)

The Table of Yes also brings people to it by asking the question “What do you want to do?” rather than “What are your limits?” which can easily feel like it’s being translated to “what am I not allowed to do to you?” One of those feels like a pretty nice and inviting question, while the other feels like a challenge, or like you’re already killing the vibe, doesn’t it? To me, “What are your limits” has often felt like I was being asked how far the other person could push me, which is not even the least bit synonymous with what I actually enjoy or want to be feeling in a play session. “How do you want to play, how do you want to feel, what do you want to try/do, what’s the goal?” all feel like questions that show care and interest in the other person.

Keep It Simple

When we’re first starting out – be it with a kink we haven’t explored before or with a partner who is new to us – it’s a good idea to try to limit our scope of play to just a few kinks at a time. As we talked about with newbie frenzy and FOMO, it can be really appealing to mentally build this big elaborate perfect scene that encapsulates everything we’ve ever dreamed of – but the reality of that dream scene going off without a hitch is pretty slim – at least at first! Putting too much on the table can build a lot of pressure to perform everything perfectly, which means we’re having a lot less fun and a lot more stress. Additionally, when there are too many moving parts that we’re not yet familiar with, it can be tough to decipher what’s working and what isn’t – you might really love the impact play element of the scene but the high-protocol ritual is throwing you off. It’s hard to figure that out when you’re trying to follow 50 rules you’ve never played with before while trying out another 50 new toys – some of which you like and some you don’t. Pick your major foundational kink that you want to explore first, and from there you can gradually add in some complementary kinks as you find your footing. Give yourself enough time and space to hone the small details before piling on even more.

Keeping it simple might mean that we don’t get to try All The Things all at once – and that’s okay. I know it’s very easy to not feel like this is true, but you will have an opportunity to do it again, where you can say “Okay, I think we’ve got the hang of that, now I want to add this!” Again, creating a scene is much like telling a story – and stories have chapters, each one taking what happened in the one before it and building on it.

Negotiation No-nos

It’s fairly ill-advised to try to renegotiate the scene while you’re in the middle of it. You can of course take things off the table at any time, you can rescind your consent, you can stop the scene early – you can always do less – but you shouldn’t be trying to put something else not previously discussed and agreed to on the table once the scene has already taken off.

Kink can and often does flood our brains with lots of feel-good chemicals, which is fantastic except for when it comes to decision-making. “Sub space” “Dom space” “Top space” “Little space” “Blissed out” etc etc all describe some sort of altered state of mind that players can go through or get to, which is not when we’re at our most logical or clear-headed. If we want to avoid post-scene-regrets as much as possible, then one of the smartest steps we can take is to just not try to change the game plan half-way through. Again, you’ll have more opportunities in the future.

Mid-scene negotiations or renegotiation doesn’t give the other person enough time to really think about what’s being proposed, ask questions they might have about it, or assess risk properly. It’s probably something you’ve given quite a lot of thought to because it’s something you really want to do, but they haven’t had that same opportunity. Mid-scene negotiation also puts a lot of pressure on them to say yes – it’s just plain awkward to stop the scene and get out of whatever headspace they’re in to have a full negotiation with you, so they’re not likely to do it, they might be afraid to disappoint you by saying no, they might worry that saying no will put a damper on the rest of the scene and it will end badly for you both, they might fear rejection will cause you end the scene abruptly…or worse. Especially in cases where the two of you are not long-time established partners, there’s a lot of social pressure involved in saying yes and saying no, and someone who doesn’t yet feel comfortable to speak up for themselves and reject things they don’t want is quite disadvantaged for a mid-scene negotiation.

Obvious other no-nos include any kind of bad-faith negotiations, lying, deception, coercion, etc. This series is written with the assumption that you’re not going to be a predatory or abusive asshole.

Pre Scene Set-up

Once you’ve figured out what it is you want to do, you have to prepare the stage! Regardless of where you’re playing you want to ensure that you have all the necessary equipment for your scene as well as clean-up ready before you begin – you do not want to leave your partner by themselves while you run into the other room or back to the car or out to the store or wherever because you forgot some key ingredient!

Make sure you have enough space – if you’re playing at home then ensure you won’t accidentally knock grandma’s ashes off the mantle or break a window, if you’re playing in someone else’s space or a dungeon, be mindful of everyone else around you and the space they’re trying to play in. Make sure people who need to get from one spot to another won’t be forced to walk right through the middle of your scene, make sure you won’t accidentally whip someone in the face on your back-swing.

Make sure you have enough time – it can be tough to accurately gauge just how long everyone wants to play for, but you can usually at least figure out how long set-up and tear-down will take, and then you probably want to add some time on the end for relaxing before being thrust back into the harsh light of day. If you need 15 minutes to get someone into a fancy bondage tie, but they need to catch the last bus home in a half and hour…it’s just not a good night for this type of play, either reschedule or simplify your plan. If you’re playing in someone else’s space, you also want to be mindful of hogging the equipment/play area. You don’t have to rush through your scene so someone else can have theirs, but you also don’t want to be taking up the spanking bench from open till close – that’s rude.

If you’re playing in someone else’s space, you should also be mindful of the type of play you’re doing and how that might impact others. Not every single event or venue or crowd is the best place for every single type of play, all the time. We should all feel comfortable to explore ourselves to our fullest, but sometimes it’s just an unfortunate fact that our play doesn’t mesh well with everything else going on around us. Sometimes we’re too loud, or too disruptive, or our play involves some heavy themes that are sensitive subjects for others. Venues will often have themed nights or specific events that cater to different types of play so that our vast array of styles can get a chance to shine. I personally play more towards the serious and heavy side, and while I 100% support their right to play in the same space as me and have just as much fun as I was having, I’ve struggled to focus on my own scene and get into the headspace I wanted to achieve when another person whose response to pain is ear-piercing squeals and laughter was having a scene at the same time as me. Sometimes these clashes are simply unavoidable, but other times we can plan around it a bit. Some folks are triggered by really heavy CNC (consensual non-consent) themes and maybe pup night or littles night isn’t quite the right time for that type of play. A high-protocol dinner and play party might not be the best place for your clown cosplay or a tickling scene that usually ends in raucous laughter and yelling and chasing your partner around. It’s also possible that your scene is just very messy or takes up a lot of space. In any of these cases, you can talk to the host or DMs ahead of time to get an idea of if your play would be a good fit for this particular event/space, and they may even be able to assist you with keeping an area clear, warning other guests that something specific is about to take place, reserving equipment, providing spotters, etc.

Aftercare In The Aftermath

Aftercare comes in all shapes and sizes, and is just as much relevant to the person who had the thing done to them as the person who was doing it! Aftercare is something that needs to be negotiated for just like the scene itself, and is another place where assumptions just won’t fly. Everyone in the scene needs to ask for the type of aftercare they need, as well as agree to providing the aftercare their partner states they need. If these agreements can’t be met then alternate arrangements need to be made, or the scene shouldn’t move forward, otherwise it looks a lot like someone just used another to get what they wanted and then hung them out to dry – which is awful and feels awful.

When I’m playing in public/at a party I often don’t want or need any kind of aftercare – I’m trying to wring every last drop I can get out of the event and I don’t want to sit in the corner and cuddle when I’m done playing. I can pretty easily snap in and out of play-mode and save my decompressing for later. Others need a significant amount of time to slowly come back down from whatever headspace their play put them into. When I play at home my ideal situation lets us move from play back into “real life” at a pace that just feels natural, where our scene doesn’t have a rigid start and stop point. Some folks need something in the middle – a couple minutes of calm, some snacks, a moment to reflect, and then they can be on their way. Some people don’t want any further physical contact, some want intense snuggles. Some might need some words of encouragement/affirmation, others don’t want to talk about it. Some people want snacks, water, energy drinks to get their electrolytes back up, others might feel too amped up still and eating or drinking would make them nauseous. Some people need a good cry, some people need a good laugh. There’s no one-size-fits-all to aftercare, and it might change depending on what the play entailed, where it was done, who was part of it, what the people felt like before the play started, etc etc.

Aftercare may or may not include one or more check-ins in the hours, days, or weeks following the scene. As mentioned above, aftercare may also be out-sourced or not necessarily come from the scene participants, but someone else that you or your partner gets support from. Managing your own aftercare may look like making sure you’ve got a movie night with friends lined up after an intense scene to keep your brain stimulated and ward off any droppy feelings.

If you don’t yet know what type of aftercare you may want or need, then these negotiations with your partner(s) will probably look like you suggesting possibilities and seeing what they’re comfortable with. If you wind up wanting cuddles are they okay with that? What if you want to be left alone? What if you want to hit up the 2am drive-thru for junky cheeseburgers? You might not need them, but what snacks do you like, what’s your comfort object, would they be willing to give you a call in a few days to check in?

Finally, regardless of what type of aftercare you negotiate for with your scene partner, it’s always good to be prepared for a just-in-case scenario where for whatever reason, they can’t provide it. You ran out of time at the party for the full cool-down you planned for, they had an emergency come up, turns out they need aftercare too and it doesn’t look like yours – life has a way of getting in the way sometimes. A partner who can do and agreed to provide aftercare shouldn’t just abandon you, but in a true emergency where there is no other way around it, it’s good to be prepared to self-care our way through it. You’ve probably got some go-to’s for when you’re feeling down or having a bad day – a friend you lean on, a favorite show, comfort food, etc. Have those at the ready so you’re not left spiralling and trying to figure out how to deal with it yourself.

Debrief

Some folks like to implement a post-scene debrief where they get to sit down and talk about how it all went – what they liked, what they’d change for next time, what they could completely do without, how it all felt, did it achieve the goals they set beforehand, etc etc. This might be part of the aftercare or it might come a little while later after they’ve had more time to reflect on it (really depends on everyone’s comfort levels and the intensity/complexity of the scene.) The debrief might not fit everyone’s style, or it might not be something you do after every single play session you have, but it is a good communication mechanism for those who are new to the kink or to their partner. Deciding on the debrief before the scene begins sets the stage for everyone involved to feel a little more comfortable talking about their experience – where the debrief is to be expected, then they’re not left to be the one who has to bring it up if they have something they want to discuss. Saying “Okay let’s do our debrief (that we already planned for and knew was coming)” is a little easier than “I have something I need to talk to you about….” Where aftercare might be a little more focused on each person’s emotional needs in the time following the scene, the debrief can include some more practical or technical aspects of the play (“that tie doesn’t work well with my bad shoulder, maybe we can figure out something similar that puts the ropes in different spots” or “when I said harder you actually went faster and that threw me off” or “the playlist we chose I thought was going to be really good but there’s a couple songs we need to take out as they don’t really fit the mood” or “I LOVED THE WHOLE THING IT WAS PERFECT WHEN CAN WE DO IT AGAIN!??!”) that might not be the best thing to dig into when everyone’s feeling a little bit amped up or raw immediately after playing. The debrief also allows as much time to reflect on it as you want – you don’t have to try to figure it all out while your head’s still spinning.

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