Help! I’m Kinky? – A mini-series of intros into The Lifestyle – Volume 2 : Learning The Ropes – Safewords

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We’ve made it – our final chapter for Learning The Ropes – figuring out our safewords!

Previously we laid out a roadmap for negotiating a great scene. Safewords are a part of scene negotiation, but they felt to me like they deserved their own post because there’s a lot more to cover than “say uncle!” Let’s dig in.

What is a safeword?

Safewords are words/phrases/actions specifically agreed to be used as signals during play where someone may not want to or be able to use “common parlance” words to make an action slow down or stop. “Common parlance” refers to lingo we would normally know the meaning of when used in “everyday” vanilla contexts. In common parlance, “no” actually means no, “stop” actually means stop, but in certain elements of kink, a person may use these words without their common intent, and when this happens the other party needs a safeguard in play to ensure they’re not misunderstanding what their partner is communicating to them or overstepping a boundary. Safewords take out some of the guesswork.

What a safeword DOESN’T do

It’s very common, when someone shares an experience of harm in kink, for a lot of the onlookers and arm-chair-analysts to ask “well, did you safeword?“

Safewords can be used however two or more people mutually agree to use them, but most typically a safeword means either “slow down, check in” or “STOP.” When this is the case, in order for a safe word to be deployed in a scene, something bad has already happened. A safeword does not save us from ever experiencing anything bad at all, it is meant to signal that something bad is happening and we want it to stop. Even people who are playing in absolute good-faith can still make mistakes, and sometimes things just happen – harm is not intended at all but it still occurs, so saying things like “this is why you always have a safeword” or asking “why didn’t you safeword?” is misunderstanding their basic purpose. A person CAN safeword at the exact right time, but that doesn’t mean something harmful hasn’t occurred before that moment.

Safewords also only work with people who are playing in good faith. If your partner intends to do you harm, they’re going to bulldoze right over your safeword. A safe word doesn’t throw up a magical impenetrable barrier around you to ensure your safety – the other person has to actually respect it. A safeword being called in a public play space can ensure that if the person doesn’t stop, DMs (dungeon monitors), hosts, or someone watching the scene may intervene, but that’s not always a guarantee (if your safe word isn’t widely known, or if nobody was able to hear you say it, or you’re using an action instead of a word, etc.)

Safewords are only one of multiple safety measures we need to take when engaging in kink. There is a very deep very unsafe belief, even among experienced kinksters, that a safeword is the solution to completely avoiding all harm, when in reality there has to be something that is at least concerning in nature for a safeword to pop up.

When do I need a safeword?

This is up to you. You will often see people saying “always have a safeword, never play without a safeword, people who don’t use safewords aren’t safe!” – this is well-meaning but not entirely true.

Safewords are – as we learned – words outside of common parlance that you use when common parlance doesn’t fit the situation. This means that if common parlance does work just fine for the situation, there is absolutely zero reason for anyone to ignore it. Safewords have to be specifically negotiated into your play – unless and until that happens, common parlance of “no”, “stop”, “don’t do that”, etc REMAINS IN EFFECT. No one should ever assume these words are out of play UNLESS AND UNTIL their partner explicitly says they want to use a different word to signal their meaning.

I personally do not play with safewords, because I don’t engage in scenarios of things like CNC or “bratting” where I might say one thing but actually mean another. I do not get into a headspace where I find it difficult to say “no” or “I need a break.” I do not go non-verbal so I do not need a safe signal. No matter how deep I get into my play, I am able to communicate clearly and I use common parlance. There is no need for me to try to remember to say “banana” when I need someone to stop doing what they’re doing – that could actually harm me if the safeword didn’t come naturally to me.

(To be very clear : there is a difference between me saying that I don’t use safewords because common parlance suits me just fine, and someone who says they “don’t use safewords” to mean you’re not allowed to say stop – you HAVE to get clarification.)

If you want to keep common parlance in your play there is no need for you to force the use of a safeword instead. You can also decide to sometimes use a safeword but other times not. You may use them with one partner but not another. It is entirely up to you.

If you are a top it is also within your right to ask for a safeword if you’re worried that you wouldn’t understand common parlance use, and it’s up to your partner to decide if they want to do that or not (if two people cannot agree on safeword usage then play probably shouldn’t happen – you need to find more compatible partners.) While I don’t feel the need for safewords, if I’m playing with someone who is more comfortable putting them into play then I often will.

As a top you are also allowed to use a safeword (or common parlance) for yourself! You are always allowed to slow down or stop a scene, you are always allowed to communicate with your partner if something is making you uncomfortable or you need a break. It’s probably easiest if everyone in the scene agrees on the same safeword, but it’s not absolutely mandatory.

The one slight exception to all of this is when playing in public – many dungeons, clubs, and parties will have “house rules” that implement the stoplight system. You’re still free to use whatever words you do or do not want, but if all else fails and someone yells “red!” someone monitoring the play area will likely step in, per house rules. (Keep this in mind – I’ve seen people who don’t use the stoplight system engage in teasing bratting play yell “red” as a joke, which sent the DM staff into a flurry of panic.)

What should my safeword be? What if I can’t speak?

Safewords can be anything, but it’s probably best to keep them simple. Kumquat is definitely not a word you’d otherwise accidentally utter in a scene, but will you remember that’s what you’re supposed to say? Supercalafragilisticexpialidocious is fun and quirky, but I can land several impact strikes in the time it takes to get all that out, which is several too many once the word has started and I’ve possibly crossed a line. The stoplight system (red, yellow, green) is popular because it’s short and simple and memorable. “Banana” or “pineapple” are used because they’ve been used as a joke or trope when depicting kink for so long that despite being silly, they’re memorable. “Mercy” is one I hear sometimes. Your safeword – should you need one – should be whatever feels like it will come naturally enough. It’s okay to change it if you thought you picked a good one but in practice you stumble over it.

Safe signals can be used with one’s mouth is otherwise occupied, or if you’re playing in a loud setting where your partner might not be able to hear you unless you shriek it as loud as humanly possible (especially relevant if you’re facing away from them and they can’t see your face.) Safe signals can be a thumbs up or down, a certain wave of the hand, dropping an object you started the scene by holding, head shakes, body movements – again, whatever comes to you most naturally and is easy enough to remember and notice. While I don’t need to play with words, sometimes when engaging in certain body play where I’m in direct contact with my partner (breath play, throatfucking, etc), I’ll “tap out” by just giving a few taps wherever I have my hands on their body. They understand this to mean they need to ease up on what they were doing, but we can keep playing. This is a way for me to indicate my safety limit without having to break the whole scene off.

Safeword specifics

Like everything else in kink, there is no One True Way to use safewords. When discussing the use of a safeword with a partner, you also need to make sure you’re both on the same page about what exactly that word means and what action needs to follow them. For some people “yellow” means to just go lighter but don’t stop, for others it means stop and check in, but the play doesn’t have to end. For some it means slower but not lighter, for others it means to keep going exactly as-is, but be aware that it will have to stop soon as you’re reaching your limit. “Red” could mean anything from “that hit landed in the wrong spot, don’t do that again” to “I need a HOSPITAL.” And of course our invented safewords can have all these different meanings as well. If we don’t know what the safeword is trying to convey, it’s fairly useless, so this has to be discussed.

Bonus Round! Things I Personally Hate

There’s a very unfunny “joke” that is popular in the kink community – the gleeful declaration of “no is not a safeword!” when someone is doing something to another person that is unwelcome. It began with actual friends and partners who were just egging each other on, it’s supposed to be tongue-in-cheek between people who actually trust each other with their safety and are just playing around, but I’ve seen it evolve to the point that literal strangers will use it as what they think is a clever retort when called out on genuinely inappropriate behaviour they’ve been asked to stop. Without the negotiation of a safeword into a dynamic, “No” IS the safeword. Please be mindful of who you use this “joke” with – or better yet, stop using it.

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