Help! I’m Kinky? A mini-series of intros into The Lifestyle – Volume 2 : Learning The Ropes – Setting Limits

 In Featured, General Musings, Help! I'm Kinky?
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Hi there! Sorry it’s been a while since our last chat, I was taking a little break.

Previously we covered some safety aspects that are attached to acting out your kinks, and dug a little bit into what goes into giving and obtaining proper consent to performing these kinks with others. This time I want to address how to know and set your limits, and then how they’re applied when navigating a scene negotiation.

One of the most common questions that newbies ask is “If I’ve never done it before, how do I know what my limit is?” This is an incredibly fair question and like a lot of things – there’s no clean-cut answer to it. I’m going to use impact play as my example because it’s super common and something I’m personally experienced with, but the general idea should work for whatever your kink is.

You start slow, you compare and contrast with other things you have experienced before, and you practice on yourself/alone*. It may not be the best or healthiest jumping-off point I’ll admit, but I did have some experience with my friends smacking my butt in a jokey way before I ever delved into BDSM, so I knew that it was at least a sensation I was capable of tolerating without jumping out of my skin and screaming bloody murder. Through things like rough-housing with friends and more accidental encounters with pain like bumping into things, I had at least a very basic idea of where my pain tolerance might be at. What causes a “oooohhhhh that sucks” and then I walk it off, what makes me tear up, what feels like I might die (I’m talking about bashing the pinky toe into the coffee table, no human alive can tolerate this one, I’m sure of it.) I wasn’t ready to be hit by a bus on my first day or anything but I was able to determine on my own that I could certainly start off a little harder than a light nudge. It’s not at all difficult to hit, pinch, slap, punch, push, pull, scratch, or otherwise cause yourself a bit of pain and then consider “would I like it if someone else did that to me?”

So that’s where you start – on yourself, by yourself, with no pressure or expectations to meet – you’re just exploring. If your kink is more intellectual/emotional (dirty talk, cuckolding, service, hypnotism, age play, etc) then you check that out through media exposure and fantasy. Find some porn or erotica that matches what you think you might be into and give your imagination a good workout. Can you picture yourself in any of these roles or settings? What happens in your body when you put yourself in that other person’s shoes? What feelings does that possibility bring up for you (pure unfettered excitement? A little bit of fear? Confusion? Shame? Burning lust?) It’s extremely possible and not at all uncommon for something to really turn you on in theory, but the reality feels a bit too much. Sometimes a kink can just be tweaked a little bit to both fulfill the desire while not overstepping a boundary, and sometimes we decide that it’s something that’s just better left to fantasy and that actually doing it is not in the cards – a lot of folks with a Breeder fetish will roleplay the scenario but actually use some form of contraceptive because the reality of impregnation is not actually something they want to partake in, for example. A lot of people with a cucking fetish like to mentally fantasize about it, but don’t feel emotionally capable of ever really doing it, so they just keep it in their heads, and that’s okay. Some people have super unattainable or high-risk fantasies that just cannot be done, like sex while skydiving, or sex with a vampire – those start off in your brain and unfortunately just have to stay there. How far you take your kink is up to you and your partner(s), you don’t have to ever act it out, you don’t have to act it out to the most extreme level, you don’t have to forego any tweaks that make it feel better for you.

*some activities should just never be done alone. If I think I might be into breath play but I don’t have a partner to try it with, I still shouldn’t wrap a belt around my neck and try choking myself out while I’m home all by myself. That’s not safe. Please stop for a moment and contemplate your worst possible fuck up before kinking alone. Putting some clothespins on your nipples or wearing women’s high heels to see if you like it won’t kill you, but lots of kinks done wrong and alone certainly could. When we’re not in the middle of an unending global pandemic, there’s frequently an opportunity to go to a workshop or class or demo on kinks that pose a risk to do alone. Oftentimes (not always, but often) if you contact whoever is holding the event and express that you have an interest but you’re very new and dont know what you’re doing, they’ll invite you to a quick little demo – it’s not a scene, you’re not under any obligation, its like getting a free sample at the supermarket. There’s also whole demo nights at some larger dungeons where anyone who wants to try something new can do so safely under the supervision of more experienced players. You can also hire a professional.

With some kinks (like impact) you can demonstrate where you think your limit is with a partner and they can mimic you. I can smack myself with a wooden spoon in front of my partner (or smack them, if they’re willing) and either say ‘that’s where I want to start” , “that’s the line I don’t want to go any further past” , or try to give it some sort of scale like “I’d call that a 2, let’s try working our way up to a 7”. We could also just start at the absolute lowest setting possible and work our way up and I let them know when things start to get spicy – from there we find a lower point that would serve as a usual starting area (so we dont have to start every encounter with the absolute bottom of the spectrum if we don’t want to) and then work as far up as I feel comfortable with and start thinking of that area as my upper limit.

For intellectual/emotional stuff, you might start off with some light role play – maybe try out just a few words/phrases, maybe try talking through a sexy scenario (ie: what would you do if I…and then what if I did this…does it turn you on to think about us doing that…and from there we would…”) maybe dig out whatever media you’ve been using to help you fantasize and watch/read/listen to it together. If you think you might be into name-calling or humiliation for example, you don’t have to jump right into an hour-long session where your partner calls you every dirty filthy name under the sun, really hurts your feelings, and leaves you wondering if that’s how they really feel about you – you can start off with just one word, you can put a 5 minute time limit on it, you can ask that the something “mean” is followed up with something “nice”, you can set up the scene however feels most safe and comfortable to you.

Givers (Tops, Doms, Masters, etc) also have their limits, this isn’t just a receivers responsibility! Just because I think I want to be spanked with a piece of rebar doesn’t mean my partner is willing to do that for me. Most givers have a line somewhere in the sand where a kink would become “too much” and they don’t feel comfortable crossing it. Sometimes it’s a concern for the wellbeing of their partner, sometimes it’s their own physical or mental wellbeing, sometimes it’s just a point at which the kink no longer appeals to them, and sometimes it’s where the kink goes over their skill/ability. There’s a lot of rope people that don’t do suspensions – for some it just doesn’t interest them, for some it’s a matter of not knowing how or being able to do it safely. Some people into humiliation play are fine telling their partner they’ve been a “bad boy” or a “dirty slut”, but don’t feel comfortable or think it’s sexy to call their partner “worthless” or “ugly”.

For some folks, limits come in multiple flavors – typically soft limits and hard limits.

A soft limit can be a lot of things. It can mean you think you might be into it, but you haven’t had enough time with it to be totally sure, so you need to approach this thing with some caution. It could mean you are totally into it, but the circumstances around how and when and why you want to engage with this kink are trickier than your other interests so it requires more planning, a partner cant just assume this kink is always available where some of your other interests might be things that you wanna do all the time. It could mean you’re not really that into it yourself, but for the absolute right person at the right time and the right place, you would be willing to indulge them if it would make them really really happy, but again this really needs to be talked about first at length. I like anal sex – I don’t want to do anal play literally every single time I have sex. I like kissing – I would like to be kissed every time I have sex it would feel weird to me if I wasn’t being kissed, the partner I am actively in the middle of having sex with does not need to ask me if they can kiss me. I have no limits on being kissed by my partners, I have a soft limit (ask me first) on anal play.

Hard limits are usually a great big stop sign. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars, absolutely fucking not, not under any circumstance, don’t even bother asking. I don’t like needles, needleplay is a hard limit for me, I will not entertain a request for needleplay, I won’t make an exception for anybody, at any time, for any reason. If someone needs needleplay in their lives, I’m not a good partner for them. I will not do it.

Then there’s thresholds. I have a general pain threshold for my impact kink – there is an eventual point where I cannot take any more and we need to either lower back down or stop the activity. That is a type of limit but not quite soft or hard. I also have a sheer exhaustion limit, hunger limits, thirst limits, emotional limits…we all have these, we all have bodily and mental “breaking points.” So some limits are very rigid, while others are more of a spectrum or are something that can fluctuate depending on other factors (like running a marathon – easier to do on a cool day after a full night’s rest and a nice breakfast than it is in 100 degree weather on two hours of sleep and a cup of coffee 6 hours ago. Your ability to “handle” things, and how much of it, changes based on a lot of other components)

How you personally view and use your limits is up to you, but it needs to be clarified with your partner. Some people view a hard limit as something to not go anywhere near, others see it as something to push. My impact pain threshold is something that can be nudged a little – I’m experienced enough to know my body’s abilities and I don’t mind a little exploration of “can we go just a tiny bit further, are you actually more capable than you think?” My needleplay limit, on the other hand, is not up for debate. I have absolutely zero interest in revisiting that one or “maybe just trying it”, I’d be pretty miffed if a partner who knew I never wanted to do that tried to slip it into a play session just to test my limit. These things need to be communicated.

My personal philosophy is that limits are good things, people who claim to be “no limits” are either super inexperienced, flat out lying, or both. If you ask a “no limits” kinkster if it’s okay to decapitate them, they will tell you no – turns out they do have a limit! Admitting that you do have limits, and being able to communicate them indicates that you’ve actually put some time and thought into what kind of experience you wish to have or wish to help someone else have. A person with limits is probably going to be a better partner than the one who says “I dunno, do whatever you want, I don’t care!” and then you waste a lot of time and effort finding out that actually this is a limit, and actually that is a limit, and actually they dont like that either, and actually there’s a whole lot of things that are not on the table.

There’s nothing wrong if your limits are rigid and you never want to try to adjust them. There’s nothing wrong with it if you view your limits as something to rub up against and maybe broaden with time and experience and trust in your partner. I’m a big believer in, when you’re brand new to all this, rather than trying to figure out all the things you want to take off the table, instead only putting one or two on the table at a time. Set out to explore something specific, rather than floundering around trying everything at once while also trying to figure out what you don’t actually like. Your limits are allowed to change over time – in either direction of gaining new ones or discarding old ones – and they’re also allowed to change under changing circumstances – different limits for different partners, different limits for different settings, etc etc.

I do personally think that even if you do have some limits you’re willing to explore moving, it’s an absolute red flag if someone’s first approach to you is to suggest “pushing” or “breaking” your limits though. The assumption that going anywhere near those limits is going to fly with just anybody is bad enough – this is something that needs to be discussed at length – but it frames all limits as inherently bad, as things to be done away with, like they don’t actually matter if the whole goal of the exercise is to steamroll right over them, like the ultimate prize is to turn you into someone with no limits at all. I set limits to protect myself, not to challenge someone else to see if they can break them. Someone who expresses intent to “take me to my limit” or “break past my limits” is not ever going to be compatible with me, making it a goal to violate one of my boundaries is not attractive to me. Some people are different, some people do like to “chase” their limit, they want to be brought right up to it every single time, they want to push it further and further, and sometimes they want a partner to flat out break right over it…but again, This. Has. To. Be. Discussed. A. Lot. And most of these people still wont do that type of play with just anybody, it requires the build up of trust which takes time and familiarity. The randoms that are bulldozing into newbies inboxes with “You’ll have no limits with me I’ll use you however I want” aren’t actually getting any play, they sound inexperienced, dangerous, and just goofy. It might be a hot fantasy, but it’s not almost anybody’s actual reality. So, receivers please DO have limits and try to figure out where they might be, and givers, figure yours out as well, and stop approaching people by expressing your desire to stampede right over those limits (it’s not sexy it doesn’t work.)

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