Toy Review – Remoji Diver By PicoBong
I was worried when I received the Diver app-controlled vibrating egg from PicoBong’s Remoji line. PicoBong is owned by Lelo – something I had momentarily forgotten when I requested the toy from Shevibe – and I was briefly afraid that I’d have to say something nice about Lelo after previously stating that I would not support them, but luckily my worries were unfounded.
The PicoBong Remoji Diver is absolutely terrible.
I love sex-tech, a whole lot. I have no reason for it – I’m not geeky in any other way, I’m not a film, video game, board game, science, or any other kind of nerd, I have absolutely no idea how teledildonics works but I fucking love app and remote controlled sex toys. If it connects to my bluetooth I inexplicably feel that I have to try it. I have more sex toy apps on my phone than actual games, and honestly I prefer to play games with my vagina anyway. A lot of companies are on the sex-tech bandwagon and doing it terribly, but when they get it right I’m endlessly fascinated.
PicoBong does not get it right, not at all. I grossly misunderstood what whole Remoji line of toys was all about and that part’s on me. My eyes were full of stars over the app connectivity and the promise of your phone becoming your or your partner’s remote control. When you open the app the home screen has a button that says “Play” on it hinting at some sort of game. Unfortunately neither of these things are really what you get and I regret not doing my research.
What the Remoji app actually does is…well it’s just absurd. When you hit “Play” you’re taken to the first “level” of this “game”, where a short punk-rock riff starts playing and your toy will start vibrating along to the beat. On every 5th count that you endure, you earn ten “points” that are absolutely worthless to you as this isn’t actually a game. If you crank the intensity up to 2, your “points” increase to 20, 3 goes to 30, 4 to 40, and if you tap and hold down on your screen you start vibing at full power earning you 50 points for every beat. How much fun.
Eventually you accrue enough “points” to unlock other music genres – Indie, Techno, Hip Hop, Dubstep, and if you join their newsletter, Jazz. Each new genre of course gives you a different pattern of vibrations to the music. I couldn’t stand the music they supplied after the umpteenth 10 second loop so I just turned the volume down and let it keep vibrating. There’s supposed to be some sort of challenge to this, but the vibrations of the Diver are so incredibly weak and buzzy that I immediately cranked the intensity all the way up and had unlocked all my levels in a matter of moments. I guess I beat the game? If you go into “Settings” on the main page there’s a category for my “Achievements” but the only trophy I want from this toy is one for putting up with it long enough to write this review. Just for giggles, my “personal best” under “Stamina” is 5 minutes and 6 seconds and I do probably deserve that medal. It’s true that I couldn’t stand it any longer, but not because I was overwhelmed with ecstasy. (The 5 minutes I think is for a single session on a single genre, I’m certain I spent more than 5 minutes total messing around with this disaster, I just kept exiting back to the main screen trying – hoping – to find something new that I had originally overlooked to make it more exciting. Either way, normally I would test a toy so so much longer but I can hardly even feel this thing inside me – what else could I say?) There’s hilariously a challenge to “light the thunder and ride the vibe for 5 minutes!” as if you couldn’t possibly hold out for a toy whose vibrations are weaker than my cell phone, and you’ll be dubbed the Vibe Conqueror. Wow. Also, who wrote this, you can’t light thunder – that’s lightning. Thunder is just noise caused by lightning. That’s like saying light the high B’s on the clarinets!
Alternately you could become the “Kinkiest” if you try all six modes for 30 whole seconds each. Gosh, that really one-ups even my deepest darkest dirtiest fantasies. Who needs any of this stuff when I can flip through the modes of my most disappointingly mediocre vibrator I’ve ever owned for 3 entire minutes, am I right? How very naughty.
I mean really. I’m the kinkiest kinkster that’s ever kinked. Thanks Remoji.
And that’s it, there is nothing else to it. You unlock all 6 annoying music loops, you score pointless points, and nothing else happens. It’s over. You’ve won? (You’ve lost.)
The app fails as a “game” and as a simple remote control it’s equally horrendous. I’ve never used the actual remotes that my We-Vibe toys come with but I would prefer those 100 times to having to use the Remoji app to increase and decrease the vibration intensity, or change patterns. The swiping left and right to control the intensity – which looks like volume the way it’s displayed in the middle of the screen – is more than a bit buggy. Off the top of my head I can tell you exactly what a “wave” or “pulse” pattern on another toy is, I can even type it out for you, but god help me if I have any idea what type of pattern is considered “Jazzy” or what “Indie” feels like. Other apps that talk about allowing a partner access to your vibe controls also typically allow them to use their own phones and usually at long-distance over the internet, but not Remoji – when they talk about having fun with your partner they mean your partner must be right next to you using your phone to play with you. The final nail in the Remjoi app coffin is that the app disconnects from the toy when you close it, so sexting with your partner if they can’t be with you, or watching porn, or putting on music you actually like, or shopping for a toy that’s actually worthwhile will have to wait, Remjoi commands your full attention. If you so dare to use the Diver for a little fun out in public, enjoy the first time some stranger over your shoulder asks what the neon emoji game you’re playing is because you couldn’t discreetly lock your phone and make the toy work at the same time.
I give them 1 gold star though, for making their Dubstep emoji look like Skrillex – maybe this whole thing is one big joke.
If you still really want this ridiculous toy, there’s a few more things you should know.
First, it retails for somewhere upwards of $100 at most stores and if all my previous complaints of it’s bizarrely weak motor that is so buzzy it makes my hand itch when I try to hold it (which is especially shocking for a toy owned by Lelo who, while a shit company, makes decent vibrators at least) and terrible app aren’t enough to sway you I sure hope this ludicrous price tag does. You can order a Hitachi from Walgreens website for half that – this toy has no business being this pricy while sucking this bad.
If you’re not using the app, the patterns can be changed by pressing on the power button on the side of the toy and you get more than just the 5 music ones, but you’ll have to take the toy out when you want to change things up and that’s awkward, so have fun with the app.
In order to charge the Diver you plug the cable into the end of the retrieval cord/antennae
There are only two saving graces I can come up with for the Remoji Diver.
One is that it’s made of silicone, though the giant plastic logo on the side is a bit uncomfortable.
The other is that it’s waterproof. Both of these things make it very easy to clean, but considering I can’t see myself ever using this toy again, certainly not often, this won’t be much of a problem.
Overall the ad copy for the Diver is a gross overstatement. I couldn’t find any of the “intense sensations” or the six “supersized” vibrations that it promises (I want orgasms, not a side of fries). It was absolutely not “more power than ever.” It does claim to be nearly silent and that part I will admit to being true but it’s not because of some amazing noise-cancelling technology, it’s because the vibrations are too weak to cause a disturbance. On a personal note I did not find that the shape of the Diver puts enough pressure on my G-spot either, but this isn’t my biggest sticking point considering every body is unique. Still, I can’t bring myself to recommend this toy on any level. There are dozens of toys, even ones of nearly identical concepts, that are much stronger, better functioning, and cheaper than this mess.
Big thanks to Shevibe for sending me the PicoBong Remoji Diver in exchange for my review.