Toy Review – The Sybian

 In Machines, Review

Folks…what you see before you is the Sybian. We’ve all heard of it, we’ve heard of its magic, its wonder, its incredibleness. Well, I have one.

And I hate it.

Now, of course, this thing is amazing, it’s made dozens and dozens of people I know cum their brains out, it’s reduced other people to drooling stupefied piles of goo, our friends have borrowed it and destroyed their genitals with it…it’s an orgasm machine. It’s a legend for a reason.

But I still hate it. Like with any toy, even $1400 toys, they just won’t work for some people, and for me, that highly beloved toy is the Sybian.

I have two major problems with the Sybian. The first one being the position. Unless you’re someone who works for building elaborate boom arms that this thing can bolt onto so you can use it on someone who’s hanging upside down by their ankles tied to the wall…me and you and basically everyone else will use this thing in a single position – kneeling down and straddling it, “cowgirl” position, “riding” it…whatever you want to call it, you’re sitting upright on top of it.

This position suuuuucccckkkkssss for me. In the probably thousands of orgasms I’ve had to this point in my life, very VERY few are achieved in the sitting upright position. In the instances that I have reached orgasm in that position, there has been heavy partner involvement and it was still no easy task. It’s just not good for my body, I don’t know exactly why, but it’s tough for me.

Problem two is I need more clitoral stimulation than internal stimulation, and it needs to be INTENSE and pretty DIRECT clitoral stimulation.  The Sybian is extremely powerful but honestly I feel it vibrates my thighs more than it actually does anything for my clit. Despite the fact that my whole genital region is straddling it, it manages to somehow be indirect and…I don’t know, kind of buzzy?

I’ve had access to this thing for 6 years, I’ve tried it multiple times with and without my husband, and only just yesterday was I able to orgasm for the first time while using it, and this week I’m on my period and extremely horny so that probably had a lot to do with it. Even so, I had to work SO HARD to get that orgasm, I strained my whole body in a not-fun way trying to reach it, and was nearly in tears from the stress by the time I finally came. The orgasm was shorter than ones I can have with the Eroscillator or Hitachi (or even my Lelo Gigi), and I still wasn’t satisfied. To my horror, my clit (and basically everything from knee to knee) was numb (and itchy), I couldn’t even roll over and grab a better toy for something more pleasurable because I couldn’t feel anything!

I also probably upset my neighbours, because this thing has to be ALL THE WAY UP before I could cum. I’ll talk more about that in a minute.

The first time I tried the Sybian was worse, I used an insertable attachment and it rattled my insides, I felt the vibrations up to my ribs and I actually felt sort of stomach-sick after sitting on it for too long. I spent maybe an hour or so on it that time and eventually wound up actually in tears, because I just couldn’t cum. I felt physically bad (like I wanted to throw up I’d been rattled so much) and emotionally/mentally bad because this thing was supposed to make my head explode I’d cum so hard and so much and it works on everybody and I wasn’t supposed to hate it…but I hate it. I felt like a total failure. I felt like my body failed me, I felt like I failed my husband because we were using it together and we both had this expectation of it being a really great night, but instead my body ached and I was literally crying in despair. I wish I could be one of the hundreds and hundreds of women who swear by this stupid thing, but I’m not. I feel like this is a big danger of companies claiming they’ve made something that is The Best or will definitely work for Everyone…if it doesn’t work for you, it’s so easy to feel like that means there’s something wrong with you. It was a huge disappointment for me, and sadly also for my partner (let’s be honest, it’s a lot of fun to bring someone to screaming orgasms with what basically amounts to a video game controller, we were both sad that wasn’t in the cards for us)

So if you’re someone who also can’t find that promised earth-shattering ecstasy in the Sybian, I want you to know you are not alone. I’m here for you. You are not broken. 

Let me tell you a little more about it though, since you’re here.

The box itself is 13″ across the front and back, 12″ long, and 8.5″ high. While it’s relatively compact for a sex machine, it’s still a 22 pound hunk of metal.

You’d think something so heavy would have handles, right? Well…

It does! In the front and back are these incredibly useful little dents for you to slide your fingernails under. Also very effective for giving you something to hold onto while you’re supposed to be grinding on top of it.

What the fuck even is this, Sybian? What were you trying to do here?

Despite the fact that it’s over 20 pounds, it’s sort of unstable. I weigh 130+ pounds and I tip it over. Probably because I want solid clit stimulation so I roll my weight forward onto the clitoral part of the vibrator, which is on the end of the box instead of in the middle, and that tips the whole unit forward.

A lot of people also need some sort of support when they’re in this position. Sybian will sell you a $340 dollar storage box that deconstructs into a “bench” you can put some weight on, or they suggest you put it on the floor facing a chair, sofa, or bed and lean on that. Sure, that’s sexy. Try not to notice the dust bunnies under your bed while you’re kneeling on the floor smushed into the side of your boxspring I guess.


This thingamajig is the older model, the ones that come with it now are bright red and come in two heights, but they’re pretty much the same.

And then we need to cover it with an attachment.

The ones pictured are not the exact ones your brand new Sybian will come with (remember my husband bought ours over 6 years ago). What I have pictured from top to bottom is the “Nubbed flat top”, the “G-Max”, the “Medium attachment”, the “Small attachment, and the “Large Real-Like Cover”. If you bought one today it would come with the small and medium insertables, the penis cover that slips over the small attachment, and a flat-top cover without the nub in it. The Gspot attachments, and others, would have to be bought separately. Sybian’s attachments range anywhere from 35-48 dollars each.

If you didn’t catch it earlier, I don’t really care for any of them. The internal ones just rattle my guts, the external ones aren’t hitting the right spots in the right way…it matters not which attachment I use, it’s the same sad ride. So I don’t know, just pick one?

Included with your purchase are a set of “stems”, which are just little plastic sticks that go inside the insertable attachments to keep them upright and for use with the rotation function. We broke a couple and lost a couple more and now don’t have any for me to show you, but they would slide into the bottom of the attachment here

You can sort of see that the attachments have a definitive “front” and “back” to them. The front is the part with the “clitoral nubs”…which don’t do anything for me.

To put on your attachments you figure out which end is which

They stretch, but as you can see from the picture above, the little sleeves they have that the clitoral part of the vibe is supposed to slide into can tear after a while if you’re not careful. Still perfectly fine to use since the tears are in the bottom but eventually they will get worse and the attachment just wont stay in place anymore.

And then you turn it on.

The paint on ours has worn off over the years from use with people who actually enjoyed their ride, but the left side of the remote controls the rotation of insertables, while the right side controls the vibration.

This, to me, is the one thing Sybian really did right. I’ve complained so much about other vibrators (the new rechargeable Hitachi, and Lelo’s Ora) that force you to cycle through programmed vibration and pattern settings instead of letting you move each up or down independent of each other and in your own way. With the Sybian you can choose to use either vibration, rotation, or both at the same time. You can roll each dial up or down to your liking instead of clicking through button settings. And you can turn them off in an instant, which can be a lot of fun if you’re someone who plays with orgasm control/denial, and then turn them on right back to whatever intensity you left at. It’s a fantastic little control box and I wish I could wire it into my other toys.

I want to talk a bit about the attachments. They’re made of a material called C-flex, which is a medical grade TPE (thermoplastic elastomer.) Typically you’d want to avoid TPEs as they are usually porous and thus can’t be sanitized/disinfected, but medical grade TPE is body-safe and can be cleaned thoroughly enough to not pose a risk of bacterial/viral/fungal infections. This is all despite the fact that Sybian’s manual tells you not to share attachments with another person. I don’t know why they say that, unless they just want you to spend more money. They also only tell you to use soap and water, or their provided “toy cleaner” which is essentially just rubbing alcohol in a fancy spray bottle. If you never let anyone else use your Sybian, or you never use any of these attachments anally, soap and water and maybe the occasional rubbing alcohol is all you’ll need, but if you’re like me and have friends like mine, when you wind up with an almost 2 thousand dollar sex machine…people will want to try it out. I’ve seen these sold second hand, and Toronto even has someone who rents theirs. I’ve even seen people wrap the base in saran wrap to make clean up easier. Provided everyone cleans up properly this is totally safe and just comes down to a matter of personal opinion on whether or not sharing a sex toy is “icky” for you.

*Sybian is now FINALLY making silicone attachments! Currently there are only two, but they’re already on backorder so hopefully Sybian sees the demand and makes more. They look really interesting and, honestly, I might buy them just to see if there’s any hope left for me and my sybian.

There are some things I’d like to see done better in the original attachments, for instance the ridiculous seam that runs the entire way around the “real-like” cover. I, personally, can actually feel that, and it’s not good.

I’m also not the least bit sure whats going on with my Gspot attachment. The material surface doesnt appear flawed, but it looks like it’s actually cracking inside.

It’s very strange.

I’m also just not at all impressed with the sheer amount of hard-to-clean spots. Every attachment comes with the “clit nubs”, and every insertable attachment has a series of ridges on it. For ease of clean up alone you’ll want to make sure to stick these things in the sink immediately after use before any body fluids or lube have a chance to dry, otherwise you’ll be busting out a tooth brush to scrub them clean. I can sort of understand the texture element in the clit nubs but the little lines around the Gspot insertable? Nobody feels that detail inside them, completely unnecessary.

And finally, holy shit the noise. I am not lying to you when I say it’s going to sound like you are running a lawn mower inside your house. This is in no way a suitable toy if you have roommates or live in a building with thin floors or walls, everyone who lives near you will hate you. The motor itself is actually pretty quiet, but when the entire unit starts vibrating it’s going to rattle like hell on whatever surface you put it on. We put ours on our memory foam mattress and it is still beyond loud. We’ve tried the floor, carpet, blankets, pillows….It’s fucking loud. Sybian sells a floor mat for another $100, which is supposed to help with the sound, but nothing will be noise-cancelling.

If you wind up buying all this shit, you’re buying a $2,000+ sex toy.

For me personally, it’s not worth it. It wasn’t my expense because my husband bought ours before we even met and he definitely got his money’s worth with others, thankfully, but if we didn’t have it and I went and tried one out today, I would have nothing to recommend the Sybian by and we probably wouldn’t ever purchase it. I get a better, longer, more intense, more comfortable, quieter orgasm from a $50 old school hitachi, even if it only comes with two speeds.

If you really really enjoy internal stimulation, or you don’t have a clitoris of steel like I do, you may find the Sybian much more pleasurable than I do, but I seriously suggest trying to find a place you can try one out (again, some people rent them, you might find them in your local BDSM dungeon or swingers club, etc) before dropping that kind of money.

Update: New attachments!


So I managed to get my hands on one of the new silicone attachments. I posted pictures and talked technicalities, but I didn’t write much about the original attachments and how they worked for me, because none of them really did. None of the clitoral parts hit the right spots, none of the internal parts hit the right spots, it all just rattled me the wrong way, and regardless of the attachment, the additional problems I mentioned (being in the wrong position, having to turn the intensity up so far, etc) were present all the time making enjoyment impossible.

I had this strange nonsensical hope that maybe something about the silicone would change things for me. Perhaps it would carry the vibrations differently, maybe it would come sprinkled with magic fairy dust that would induce those orgasms I was promised but never delivered, who knew? Might as well try.

I picked the Orb because the shape was the most unlike any of the attachments I already owned. If the old ones didn’t hit the right spots surely something so absurdly shaped would find a way


It didn’t. The silicone is definitely more dense than the original attachments, and maybe felt a bit different, but nothing phenomenal. The shape was a challenge to work out, I slipped the thing on, lubed up, de-pantsed and proceeded to do several 360s around the machine trying to find a good position, but no luck. I turned it off, grabbed my phone and went to Sybian’s website to find the product page where I knew there were some drawings suggesting the angles one should try using the attachment in. Turns out I’d already tried them, plus some ideas of my own. I have absolutely no idea how to use this thing, and I gotta be honest, needing to look up the instructions does not turn me on. 


(The worst worst attachment is the one that looks like a finger. That’s just weird.)

Two of the suggested positions are to straddle the machine as normal, either having the vulva resting on the slanted side or to be sort of leaning back on your hands facing the other side of the rise. In both situations the ball at the top is supposed to be on your clit…I think…it’s what the drawings suggest. For me though? If I’m actually resting my weight on the machine the ball is halfway to my belly button, completely overshooting my clit. If I want my clit to reach where it’s supposed to I have to lift myself completely upright on my knees. I already have immense difficulty reaching orgasm from the sitting upright position but it becomes literally impossible if I can’t relax my weight down and sit on something. The two most obvious positions don’t work for me at all, unless I want a giant marble to stimulate my lower stomach (I don’t)

The other position is to bend over and sort of back yourself up onto the attachment. This could work, to my great surprise, but it’s still not a perfect solution. I prefer to use the side without the slant so that I can drag my clit up and down the ball a bit more than the slanted side allows, but facing this direction means I have the end of the machine digging into my stomach when I bend forward enough to be comfortable, and like the original attachments, the new ones only fit on the machine in one direction so I can’t turn it around and have the shorter side of the machine to work with. I also still have to turn the machine up to the max which is just fucking loud, to the point of offensive. If I wanted to sit on a fucking motorcycle I could buy a real one. While I found myself nearing orgasm and knew that I actually could cum without the tear-bringing, nerve-wracking, muscle-pulling effort I had to put in the last time I used the Sybian, I stopped myself to question if I even really wanted to – my nightstand is full of quieter, comfier, stronger toys that could give me a better orgasm. Did I want a mediocre orgasm just so I could say I finally had it?

No, I didn’t. I turned the Sybian off, flopped onto my back and gave myself a nearly effortless screaming orgasm in a matter of seconds with my hitachi.

I definitely think the silicone additions are a great idea, because silicone is amazing and safe and also the purple is so much prettier than the “flesh tones”, but sadly they have still not swayed my utter dismay for the Sybian.