Toy Review – The Exposed Nocturnal Bullet Collection Lipstick Vibe by Blush Novelties
This vibrator has no business sucking as much as it does. Seriously.
But before I get into that, there’s something else I need to get off my tits. WHY can’t Blush just pick one name? Every damn toy’s name is the length of a novel. “Exposed” is the collection name, which encompasses 10 different vibrators at the moment. The box has the words “Bullet Collection” printed under the “Exposed” label but not all the items in the collection are something I would consider “bullets” so it’s as if this toy is part of a sub-collection within the larger Exposed line, and then the toy itself is called the “Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe”. It’s the only toy in the collection with the “Nocturnal” name and I don’t know what it even really means much less why it’s necessary in the name when you could just call it a “lipstick vibe” – or better yet – just “bullet.” Is “Nocturnal lipstick” supposed to be a sexy, coy euphimism for “vibrator”? (It only looks like a lipstick in so much as the tip is asymmetrically tapered, it’s not actually disguised as a tube of lipstick like other companies have done) Like the kind of lipstick you keep next to your bed for the nighttime…wink wink. Or maybe it’s like “oh no! my lipstick is not really a lipstick! My extremely obvious secret has been exposed!”
It’s a vibrator, okay. It’s just a tapered bullet vibrator.
And to get us back on track, it’s a bad vibrator. I am truly stumped as to how this happened. First, as always, I hate this charger, but it’s not going away and you’re probably tired of hearing me rant about magnetic chargers so I’ll just move on. The Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe is a satiny finish ABS plastic, waterproof, and comes with 10 settings – 5 steady vibrations and 5 patterns. I hate the patterns, I hate almost all patterns in everything forever, not even gonna talk about them.
It’s absolutely impossible to ignore the similarities to the We-Vibe Tango, so let’s get into that. The Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe’s 5 vibrations would be a nice step up from the Tango’s 4, except that the first setting is fairly high for a place to start, and every single one past it is so incredibly buzzy. While I think that the Lipstick Vibe is putting out more power, that power is being translated into something that makes my skin itch and turns my fingers numb, not something that rumbles deeply and causes an orgasm. In fact, if I hold both toys in the exact same way, with the Lipstick Vibe it feels as if my fingers are the only part of me that is getting any vibrational transfer, whereas the Tango doesn’t feel dampened by my grip nor does it numb my hands, the rumble is actually making it into the tip of the toy where it belongs.
The Tango’s ad copy reads “The most powerful mini-vibe”, while the description on Blush’s wholesaler site for the Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe says that (sic)“No Other Vibrator Of This Size Compares To Orgasm Inducing Vibrations Of This Bullet.” I mean…the Lipstick Vibe is a half an inch longer than the Tango so…I guess maybe that’s true, there’s nothing else of that particular size that is better? But if they mean to say that they in any way surpass the Tango…everyone has the freedom to be wrong I suppose.
What’s even more befuddling about the Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe is that Blush has made other bullets for different collections that are admittedly not that great, but they’re also not the worst thing on the planet either. They’re not the best direct comparison because I only like them when they’re inside their weird silicone casings, but I actually reviewed the Aria Finger Wand Kit as not terrible and I’m giving a passing score to the Hot Tongue that uses the same bullet as well.
The Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe is bigger than the Aria bullets which means more space for better tech, and it’s clearly attempting to compete with the Tango (which is also smaller) SO WHY IN THE WORLD IS IT SO BAD? There’s no reason the Lipstick Vibe could not AT LEAST be better than the Aria bullets. AT LEAST. Somehow this is not the case, and I’m not sorry about it – it comes nowhere NEAR touching the Tango’s quality.
My next complaint may sound weird, considering how many times I’ve bitched and moaned about vibrators with only one button to control scrolling through the settings…but I actually hate the two buttons on the Lipstick Vibe. I feel like I have good reasons though! For such little space to use, Blush doesn’t make great use of it by implementing this godforsaken magnetic charging system. The little contacts that connect to the charger stick up at the same height as the two buttons (which is also not that high at all and makes them tough to depress) and this makes feeling for where you’re supposed to push a difficulty. The two buttons have no tactile distinction between them, so once the toy is on there’s no way to tell which button is going to turn it up or down just by feeling for it. Finally, not that this is something I ever want to have to do, but even if you look at the base of the toy while it’s turned on to try to figure out which button you should push when you try to reapply it to your genitals…you can’t see the symbols because there’s a light that causes the whole base to glow, and the buttons’ detail is so small it doesn’t show up backlit by the light.
The only advantage I can find for the Nocturnal Lipstick Vibe is that it’s significantly cheaper, but in this case I feel that you truly are getting what you pay for, and that value is not a whole lot.