Toy Review – The Mighty Thick Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator by Evolved

 In Review

Hey there, hi, I’ve got a terrible review for you – big news, I know. This time we’re looking at the Mighty Thick Rechargeable bullet vibe by Evolved. It’s taken me an extra long time to review this pretty simple little toy, and the reason for that is that it won’t stay fucking charged.

A typical toy test for me looks like immediately playing with it for a few moments straight out of the box because I just cannot wait (usually just turning it on and playing with the buttons and functions, not often an actual masturbatory session) and then giving it a full re-charge so that when I do go to actually use it, I’m getting the best first impression it can possibly make on me. In the entire time that I’ve been doing this I don’t think I’ve gotten a single vibrator that arrived dead – most manufacturers will charge it up and make sure it actually works before it’s packed and shipped off. The Mighty Thick came to me without a single hint of life inside it. I tried to see if maybe it had a travel lock (the instructions come on a sheet of cardstock smaller than a business card and printed in like…2 point font, I had to use the magnifier on my phone camera to read it) but it doesn’t – it was just completely entirely absolutely dead. Normally when you plug something into a charger a light somewhere will start up to let you know it’s charging – the Mighty Thick did nothing, for minutes and minutes I sat and stared while it gave zero indication anything was working. Eventually it did begin to flash, but this battery had to be dragged out from the depths of hell to get here.

I didn’t love that first introduction, but I was willing to excuse it – maybe my toy had just sat on a shelf for a really, really long time. Batteries die, it happens. I left the Mighty Thick to charge up alongside a few other toys that arrived on the same day, and when everyone’s lights stopped flashing (roughly two hours later) I unplugged and popped them in the sink for a quick rinse (as you should always do with your new toys before touching your bits with them.) I left everything to air dry on the counter overnight. I wasn’t feeling up to toy testing for the next day or two, so they moved into my bedside storage for later. I can’t say exactly when I came back for the Mighty Thick to give it its first test run, but it was under a week. It was dead again. Completely dead. Didn’t even try to give me a sad little rattle or a dull light flash before going out – it was dead dead.

I put it back on the charger and we repeated this process I can’t even say how many more times, and every single time it was dead dead before I got around to actually wanting to use it (and I gotta say, the hassle of doing this didnt exactly turn me on and make me look forward to using it.)

On this alone I give the Mighty Thick the worst failing grade I can possible award any sex toy. A toy that cannot hold a charge for just a few days so that it’s ready when you need it is complete garbage. I regularly have the thought “I’m probably going to want an orgasm tonight, and it’s been a FEW WEEKS since I last charged up my toys, so I should go plug them in now to make sure they’re ready for later” but I do not have to do that literally every. single. night. because my toys can’t hold charges. That’s fucking unreasonable. You should be able to charge a toy up and expect it to be ready and waiting for you later in that same week. Holding a charge for a week is in fact the barest minimum I would accept. Fuck, I pulled out my Tango to take size comparison photos and when I pressed the on button even that toy gave me a little shake before turning itself off – I haven’t touched that vibrator since my Tango X review back in February. SIX MONTHS of dormancy and a smaller toy with less potential battery capacity still tried to let me know it had some life left in it. The Mighty Thick has no excuse. I’ve left it dead dead for about a month and now I can’t get it to turn on at all. It charges for two hours, the light stops flashing, I try to turn it on, and it gives me the most pathetic half-second wiggle. Perhaps I just got super unlucky and my model is completely defective, but I’m not impressed. I don’t normally turn to Amazon for anything related to sex toys, but finding another review for this toy is pretty tough. Of the two people who have submitted feedback, one of them – also from this month – reports their bullet also arrived completely dead and wont function. There’s a five year warranty on this and I could let Peepshow know that I got a dead vibrator and we could go through the process of trying to find me a live one, but I don’t think that would change my mind. I’ve got several dozen vibrators in my possession at any given moment, I’ve been at this for over seven years, and I can still count the number of completely defective products I’ve received on one hand. It’s rare, but when it happens it kinda sours me on the whole deal. I don’t like the idea of your average sex toy buyer having their first experience be this – for them to have to first have the knowledge that their toy comes with a warranty, and then having to go through the process of having that warranty either fulfilled by whoever they purchased from (frequently not super reputable places) or having to contact the company direct, and then waiting for their new – possibly still defective – replacement toy to arrive. That’s just a really bad first impression. For big-ticket items (like the defects I got from Doxy) I was willing to jump through the customer-service hoops for getting replacements. For a 30 dollar bullet? The thought of it doesn’t thrill me – at that point I have to consider if my time and aversion to having to talk to people is worth more (it usually is.)

In the short span that the Mighty Thick was kind-of operational, I managed to muster up a few thoughts. The packaging and ad copy boasts things like “super strong vibration” and an “extremely powerful motor” that performs “9 robust vibrations and functions” – none of this is true of course (based on the few moments I had of trying it out in my hands before it decided to shuffle off this mortal coil forever it seems.) I may be drawing a hard line here, but the Tango has been around for over a decade – long enough for We-Vibe to revamp it themselves – if you can’t make a bullet vibe that comes within a football field’s length of comparison by now then you should maybe just not. The Tango packs a pretty impressive punch into such a small space, so I think it’s pretty reasonable to expect something even larger to at least match up, if not exceed what the Tango delivers. The Mighty Thick is just big and buzzy. “Hand-shaking top velocity” as the Evolved webpage explains is certainly true, when all the vibrations do is make my palm go itchy. Some folks might like the larger size – for me it doesn’t matter a whole lot – but it does mean it can’t be used in any toys that take the standard bullet size if that’s something you do with them. In my opinion the larger size doesn’t gain you much.

Overall I struggle to find anything good to say about a big buzzy bullet that takes several hours to charge up and wont even last you until the weekend. I have no idea how long it actually lasts in-use because we never even got that far. Added space always means added potential and I will always be disappointed when a company seems to not use every bit of that opportunity to create something that’s the best it could possibly be. It’s got the cheap thing going for it, but I can find a handful of other vibes that are within 5-10 bucks of the Mighty Thick that I like better (and actually worked.) Peepshow specifically has an “Under $50” section which has several toys I’ve tried – including the Aria Finger Wand and Hot Tongue, one of the Noje Wands, the Mini Swan (which I didn’t love but when the bar is set at does it turn on then the Mini Swan passes with flying colors) and even the Lipstick Bullet from Blush that I hated because it wasnt the Tango is still better. With so many options – and a lot of them not even that bad – I really can’t recommend going with the Mighty Thick instead. Sorry (but also not sorry. Your toy should at least turn on. The bar is on the ground.)

Big thanks to Peepshow Toys for sending me the Mighty Thick to review – You can get yours by Clicking Here but I suggest you find something cooler on This Page instead!